Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
