I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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