i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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