i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
