actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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