in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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