we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
