last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
