i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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