Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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