i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
