I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
