Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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