me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
