Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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