If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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