Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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