I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
