If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
