I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
