I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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