then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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