just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
