singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
