I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
