Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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