T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
