Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
