there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
