nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What drink are we having for lunch?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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