the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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