The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
