I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
