I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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