I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
