Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Apparently you make a good broom.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
