things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i will never coherently bang her
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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