She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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