I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
