i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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