I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
