Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The struggles of a small town man whore
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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