he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
