i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
