just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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