Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
