dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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