If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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