This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
