But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
