Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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