I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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