Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
