so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
