Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
