guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize