Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
