the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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