I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
