Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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