if i can run in heels then i can drive
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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