Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
third nipple confirmed
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
