I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
