Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
