haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
